Hindi ko alam kung pano sisimulan 'to. But I think I need to start this now and end this now too.. It's been so long but the thought of you still lingers in my mind. I've never been free from the trap though I've never admitted it. Though I keep on telling myself I've already moved on, I still can't help but be affected when the thought is about you. The truth is, and I should be once and for all honest with myself before I let it all out. There's never a day pass that you haven't crossed my mind yet. It's always been like this since then. And it hurts me to think, that I'm still stuck in this while you've clearly moved on.. Just can't get on the fact that I once believed everything you've told me.. that you'll never let go of me.. no matter what. But now you're with that woman who's the reason of it all. And I started to think that maybe, you haven't really loved me at all. That all you had for me was all lie. Because how can you hurt me that way? I can't believe I have believed you. I just can't release this anger that's eating me inside while I let it grow everyday. this hate that I should have long thrown away. I wanted to take revenge. hurt you the way you did to me. but reality check, it will never happen. beccause im out of your world, and you're out of mine. and the thing I should do, is just accept that life is like that.. people will hurt you. betray you. that's just the way it is. I have so much hate to give to you. but i know, wala na itong patutunguhan ang galit na ito. so the best way is to just accept it. that you dont own people and you cant control them to not hurt you. nor can you manipulate them. I've accepted the fact that things dont go my way. That i already need to stop hating you. and i know that's when I'll stop hoping too :') Pinakamalaking pagkakamali ko ng tinuring kitang pagmamay-ari ko, dahil never mo naman talagang mapag-aari ang isang tao at paikutin sila sa kamay mo. I guess that's why nahirapan akong tanggapin. I guess I have never learned, cause once again my heart is broken because of a boy. and i am again left hoping when there's no hope already. when what really awaits me is the ending of it.
Hello and goodbye love, today i'm deciding. I'll already let go of you. I want to see you happy and there's no reason for me to not be happy too. It hurts. but i have to do it now. or else i have to be forever stuck. I'm releasing all this anger through this. and i'll already cut the tie that's been connecting me to you. You know I have really loved you. sakit. but i have to accept that clearly, you are not for me. I have to let go of this love and hate for me to be able to love again. I want to be able to smile at you someday without hate and regret. I want to thank you someday for teaching me the greatest lessons I need to learn in love and in life too. I want to say sorry for hurting you too before. Andami kong narealize simula nung wala na tayo. and that made me so excited to love again. Andami kong pagkakamali sayo, but then again, i don't regret being that way, cause i would never learn these things. i hope lang someday, when i get to meet the one, I'd be able to apply these things on me already. I seriously dont think we could be friends someday.. but who knows right?pero ngayon, wala nakong makita kundi finish line. kasi alam ko nakamove on ka na at masaya ka na diyan. kaya there's no reason for me not to be too. right? Thank you for being a part of my life. many times i've resented the day that I met you, but as the saying goes you should never regret the things that once made you happy. and you are a part of it. thanks for the memories. i know the day will come na pag-inisip kita hindi na puro masasama ang maiisip ko but the good ones. that is the time na tatawanan ko nalang ang mga ito. and maybe that's the time I can smile at you again w/o hate and regrets whenever the day comes na mgcross path tayo. This would still take time to tame the hate but definitely this is my first step. I already need to close this chapter. which I thought would be the last, pero ganon siguro talaga, may mga taong panandalian lng sa buhay mo dadaan lang para ituro sayo yung mga importanteng lessons na dapat malaman mo. and that is their role leave a mark and then leave. until you meet the right one for you and it all answers why there are certain chapters in your life that needs to be closed. and i thinik this is one of those chapter in my life. So, that's it. at least kahit sa net nagig totoo naman ako sa srili ko, nailabas ko yung galit ko na di ko malabas-labas just because i dont want to appear weak to anybody. So where ever you are right now, I wish you happiness. Sana may natutunan ka rin sakin kahit papano. lol. kung pano maghandle ng worst gf in the world. Thank you for making me feel so lucky before for having a guy who completely accepts me with all of me. whether it's all an act or not. but still thank you. You will always have a spot in my heart. but I have to say goodbye for the very last time. and probably the very last time that i'll write about your name. Jaa ne... Yerusama!
:)
Friday, October 5, 2012
Chapter 1 CLOSED
I never regretted meeting you.
Even the fact that everything was flamingly magical at first and suddenly burns out in the end, caused me pain, I still never found myself regretting that I once met you.
This is the very first time I'll be honest with myself..
It hurts not because everything went to nothing. That it ended so soon or because it was that easy for you to forget about everything. It hurts because I never had the courage to say how I felt before. It hurts because I never had the chance to thank you. It hurts because I did nothing. I regretted the times God gave me chances but chose to disregard it. I regretted that I did nothing. I regretted that I had hurt you. I regretted everything "before". Yes, there's so much to regret but if ever I have the power to change anything or do what I have failed to do, I WOULDN'T. If I have never done my mistakes before, I wouldn't realize the things that are beyond my understanding, the things that I need to learn. Days after it ended up I was still wishing you to come back. But as time goes by, I realize there's something more I want than that. I moved on but I never got over you because I never had the chance to tell you everything that I wished I have told you before. Months past, I was learning the process of completely moving on with my life, though I'm trying to get over you, it seems that nothing works for me because of these words left unspoken. If only I have a chance to bring back time or just a chance to tell you everything, I would grab it firmly as I could. Andd after that, I'd fly away not expecting anything or any response. All I want is just to tell you everything I have to tell you, nothing more. Now, I keep on thinking the "what ifs". What if I had told you I don't want you to go, that I want you here. What if I didn't say those lies to keep everything hidden.
What if I've told you that night that I want you too, that I'm beginning to fall deeply? What if I have believed you instead of my doubts and pride? What if I didn't cause you pain? What if I showed you I truly care? I keep on thinking.. Maybe we'll be together 'til now or maybe not?
I wouldn't care what would have happen as long as I have told you everything.
But now, I'm happy to finally express everything honestly. I don't want you back, I don't need any response. All I need is to tell you I'm sorry. That I once cared and fell for you. And lastly, thank you. Thank you for everything you did for me. For caring, for making me feel so much special. But more than that I want to thank you for teaching me something worth learning. I've seen you happy and there's no reason for me not to be happy too. All I need is a decent closure. All I need is to close this chapter so that I can open another w/o hesitation and regrets. And there's no other time for me to be ready if I wouldn't completely close the past. The next time someone comes I would do everything, I would say everything, everything I can, so at the end there will be no regrets whether what happens.
And now, I'm ready to completely move on, let go, and get over. This is my final Goodbye to you. I hope we can talk again in the future and be friends. :)
THANKYOU FOR EVERYTHING John :)
Even the fact that everything was flamingly magical at first and suddenly burns out in the end, caused me pain, I still never found myself regretting that I once met you.
This is the very first time I'll be honest with myself..
It hurts not because everything went to nothing. That it ended so soon or because it was that easy for you to forget about everything. It hurts because I never had the courage to say how I felt before. It hurts because I never had the chance to thank you. It hurts because I did nothing. I regretted the times God gave me chances but chose to disregard it. I regretted that I did nothing. I regretted that I had hurt you. I regretted everything "before". Yes, there's so much to regret but if ever I have the power to change anything or do what I have failed to do, I WOULDN'T. If I have never done my mistakes before, I wouldn't realize the things that are beyond my understanding, the things that I need to learn. Days after it ended up I was still wishing you to come back. But as time goes by, I realize there's something more I want than that. I moved on but I never got over you because I never had the chance to tell you everything that I wished I have told you before. Months past, I was learning the process of completely moving on with my life, though I'm trying to get over you, it seems that nothing works for me because of these words left unspoken. If only I have a chance to bring back time or just a chance to tell you everything, I would grab it firmly as I could. Andd after that, I'd fly away not expecting anything or any response. All I want is just to tell you everything I have to tell you, nothing more. Now, I keep on thinking the "what ifs". What if I had told you I don't want you to go, that I want you here. What if I didn't say those lies to keep everything hidden.
What if I've told you that night that I want you too, that I'm beginning to fall deeply? What if I have believed you instead of my doubts and pride? What if I didn't cause you pain? What if I showed you I truly care? I keep on thinking.. Maybe we'll be together 'til now or maybe not?
I wouldn't care what would have happen as long as I have told you everything.
But now, I'm happy to finally express everything honestly. I don't want you back, I don't need any response. All I need is to tell you I'm sorry. That I once cared and fell for you. And lastly, thank you. Thank you for everything you did for me. For caring, for making me feel so much special. But more than that I want to thank you for teaching me something worth learning. I've seen you happy and there's no reason for me not to be happy too. All I need is a decent closure. All I need is to close this chapter so that I can open another w/o hesitation and regrets. And there's no other time for me to be ready if I wouldn't completely close the past. The next time someone comes I would do everything, I would say everything, everything I can, so at the end there will be no regrets whether what happens.
And now, I'm ready to completely move on, let go, and get over. This is my final Goodbye to you. I hope we can talk again in the future and be friends. :)
THANKYOU FOR EVERYTHING John :)
Monday, June 4, 2012
walang kwents.
So ngayong araw nakita ko na yung bagong place na titirhan ko for the rest of my college years.. It was nice, simple, hindi masyado kalakihan pero sapat para sa iisang studyante, pwede pa siyang humila ng isang karoom mate kung gusto niya. Nga lang, hindi ko alam kung anong saktong tawag don, apartment siya na parang dorm style? Haha. ano nga bang tawag don? hmm. tanong ko sa tatay ko paggising niya baka sakaling alam, tapos ieedit ko to. lulz. anyway back to the topic, san na nga ba tayo? Sa dorm, oo yun na nga. Malapit-lapit naman siya sa skul na pag-aaralan ko. 30mins if traffic hindi pa kasali dun yung lalakarin ko papasok ng skul. so bale mga 35mins lahat. ok naman siya considering na puro panghapon ang klase ko,. THANK GOODNESS! Dininig ata nang Poong May Kapal ang aking panalangin na hindi na ma-late sa skul year na ito. May dalawa kasi akong FD dati sa university na pinasukan ko dahil sa lagi akong late yucks talagang brinodcast ko pa ang 2 FD! lulz., pano ba naman ang aga kaya ng klase.:)) Di bale lahat naman ng tao nagbabago di'ba? :) At sa tingin ko, sa tingin ko lang, isa na 'ko dun. Pero sa tingin ko talaga nakikita ng Diyos na walang gamot sa pagiging=late ko kaya ginawan niya ng paraan na puro hapon ang klase ko. Lakas ko talaga kay God. hihi. Pero infairness ah, maaga na kong nagigisng ngayon. 8am na ang waking time ko. o diba? ikumpara mo naman yun sa 2pm na waking time ko dati? ang laking improvement mga dre! Hehehe. Pinaghandaan ko na yan, bago pa ko magbalik-aral e. Nangangarap nga akong mg-DL ngayong semestra, wala namang masamang mangarap diba? Sabi nga nila mas magandang mangarap ng hanggang langit at malaglag sa bubong kesa mangarap ng hanggang bubong at malaglag sa putik. Hahaha. HAno daw? Sorry, hindi ko na tanda yung tamang term, sariling version ko nalang ginamit ko=)) Ayun na nga, so makikita nalang natin yan months from now kung san ako ilalaglag ni Lord, sana sa clouds=))
Anywaaaaaaaaaays, ayun so all in all ok naman ang apartment/dorm/boardinghouse/orwhat na titirhan ko simula next week. I can't wait to bring my things there.(charrot umenglish) tapos i-dedecorate ko ng sarili kong style. Yung pang ROCKER chick na makalat. Hahaha. De joke lang sisikapin kong maging maayos ang new PAD ko para matuwa naman yung nanay ko':)) hihi taposss, ano pa nga bang sasabihin ko? este itatype pala? ayun.. so productive ang day na 'to kasi naparenew ko na din ang expired kong SP simula pa nong 2010 :)) Sobraaang tagal ha! tapos ni wala man lang himalang naitulong ang pagbayad namin ng 180 sa magaling na fixer! nyetang fixer yan sabii 1 hr lng daw kmeng maghihintay yun pala nakalimutan niyang sabihing x3 pala. XD whooo. Bakit pa kasi may fixer e? Andami tuloyng nauuto =)) Haha Dibale na nga, charge to experience nlng:)) Ahaay, namiss ko talaga magsulat ng walang kabuluhan, katulad nito, upgraded lang. kasi dati notebook lang gamit ko, ngayon, Tumblr na:)) Ayun, so ito na siguro magiging personal diary ko simula ngayon. :)) Dito ko ibobroadcast ang lahat ng walang kwentang ka-eklatan sa buhay ko! Hoho. Ayun inaantok na tuloy ako, actually kanina pa. Kulang na nga lang eh lagyan ko ng toothpick tong mata ko para dumilat:)) Hahahahaha. Good night sa kung sino mang utu-uto na makabasa nito! :)) Meme na me. Zzzzz
Anywaaaaaaaaaays, ayun so all in all ok naman ang apartment/dorm/boardinghouse/orwhat na titirhan ko simula next week. I can't wait to bring my things there.(charrot umenglish) tapos i-dedecorate ko ng sarili kong style. Yung pang ROCKER chick na makalat. Hahaha. De joke lang sisikapin kong maging maayos ang new PAD ko para matuwa naman yung nanay ko':)) hihi taposss, ano pa nga bang sasabihin ko? este itatype pala? ayun.. so productive ang day na 'to kasi naparenew ko na din ang expired kong SP simula pa nong 2010 :)) Sobraaang tagal ha! tapos ni wala man lang himalang naitulong ang pagbayad namin ng 180 sa magaling na fixer! nyetang fixer yan sabii 1 hr lng daw kmeng maghihintay yun pala nakalimutan niyang sabihing x3 pala. XD whooo. Bakit pa kasi may fixer e? Andami tuloyng nauuto =)) Haha Dibale na nga, charge to experience nlng:)) Ahaay, namiss ko talaga magsulat ng walang kabuluhan, katulad nito, upgraded lang. kasi dati notebook lang gamit ko, ngayon, Tumblr na:)) Ayun, so ito na siguro magiging personal diary ko simula ngayon. :)) Dito ko ibobroadcast ang lahat ng walang kwentang ka-eklatan sa buhay ko! Hoho. Ayun inaantok na tuloy ako, actually kanina pa. Kulang na nga lang eh lagyan ko ng toothpick tong mata ko para dumilat:)) Hahahahaha. Good night sa kung sino mang utu-uto na makabasa nito! :)) Meme na me. Zzzzz
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